A letter To Her.

Dear little girl: I was afraid to talk to you. I actually found it strange to speak with you. I asked myself why I needed to Speak to you. After all the forgiving, I thought I did, all the love I thought I gave, & all the prayers I’ve said.. I really haven’t done all the forgiving & loving needed. I dealt with so much loneliness, allowing people to treat me any kind of way. Living in toxic Relationships, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, weight gain, over-eating, and sleepless nights. After praying for years & trying to find happiness & purpose, I began to have dreams of needing to go back & speak with that little girl… in the dream, I would hold you, and tell you that everything that happened was not your fault and also give her the love that you gave everyone else. In order for my change to come, my Deliverance, my next, my peace, I had to Speak with you…
The dysfunctional little girl feels her parent’s separation was her fault, almost being molested by my aunt’s husband at the age of 16, and nothing was done about it. She was told to leave it alone & never talk about it again..
Hello, little girl. I’m you, but just more big boned and with many lessons to learn. Every day I think about you, and I try to recover your sweetness and innocence.
Life has made me go through some complicated circumstances, such as the death of my dad, health issues, various breaks-ups with previous partners, & the loss of myself … But I never forgot you.. I thought of you almost every day.
I have also had some very happy experiences. I’ve met some wonderful people and have been to a few incredible places like Canada. Not sure if I been loved. I’ve kissed, hugged, and laughed. Above all, I have learned things that I wanted to know, and some I didn’t want to know, too.
Sometimes learning is painful, because life taught me things that I didn’t know when I was a child. Such as the fact that there are people I love very much with no connection. That there are people that I loved with all of my heart, but for various circumstances, they had to disappeared from my life, and there are times that I wasn’t able to express my feelings just as you never got a chance to.

However, I know that you still exist somewhere in my heart when I’m driving and getting lit to my favorite song. When I’m dancing alone around my house, I see you. When I’m laughing out loud, I see you, also when I do something wild or silly, I see you. That’s us. Although sometimes, you seem very far away from me…!

I need you to remind me every once in a while that there are wonderful people in this world who are capable of love. That I’m capable of feeling hope again, though at times I think I may have lost it. I also want you to remind me that life is much simpler than it seems. like…I’d like to wake up one day and say that I’m going back to go to school, and have fun coloring imaginary animals that can fly without wings or swim through seas of chalk. I’d like to be able to always say what I think, with so much innocence that no one would be offended.

At the age of 35 still thinking how I never did go to prom, school dances, or really experience my childhood.

What I need you to remind me is to never stop loving myself & others. I need you to whisper that everyday to my heart, & not to ever look back. I need you to invade me and force me to let myself go, not to fear anything, nor feel sorry about my experienced life as a child. Remind me:

That I’m capable of dreaming Dreams & they do exist, so that we’ll make them a reality. Not to set them aside or forget them. Don’t let me ever forget or believe I can’t achieve my dreams. Nurture my dreams. Push me to dream everyday. Make my ideas create dreams, and make these transform into something I can perceive, touch and feel.

Lastly…Throughout my life, I have gotten further away from your innocence because of the circumstances I’ve had to endure. Sometimes I lose hope and transparent gaze of my younger days. Therefore, I need you to remind me that I can feel emotion and hope about things that I’m passionate about and also people that make me feel good. Please never let me sink into another toxic Relationship or marriage again and if I ever feel myself falling into that trapdoor again, wake me up quickly, remind me to discern & remember who I am…

I need to know it’s okay to show my feelings. I’ve cried & felt numb. Remind me that it’s okay if I cry, laugh, hug or kiss for no other reason than because I feel like it. And that I should give away smiles to the world because sometimes the world is an unwelcoming place, but if I smile, I know that I’ll see it differently, with your eyes, and that I’ll be able to appreciate each cloud that moves in the sky, each leaf that falls, each sunshine that lights in the morning, which is yours.

Let’s pray together that God has healed. He is the center; our light, He is our truth, He is our redeemer, and He is the One that makes all things new. It took me some time to talk to you & now that I have, I pray I walk in my light and fulfill my earthly duties. Lord, I’m full of Joy that we can move forward now. As this tear drop from my eye and I hug you. Know that you are loved by God and have been forgiven. Now I can walk…I’m going to say goodbye. But every now & again, I’m going to need you to remind me that I can run this race without looking back.

Demetria Buie

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